Clueless Husband

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July 7, 2010

Some Things New, some still old

Posted by joya under Clueless Husband, Family, Life, Relationships, Work
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Nearly a month later – this post is proof you just never know where you will be one month to the next, or even one day to the next.

Living in the Northwest – we have been experiencing the coldest summer in a long time – today however it is going to be close to 90 degrees.

I have today off and I am taking my kids to a nearby lake. I will pack up the picnic basket (yes – I actually have a traditional one!) and just let the sun kiss us for as long as the food lasts and as long as the kids still have energy. I am happy today.

It is not even 8:00 in the morning and I am meeting my sister at 9:30 at our mother’s gravesite. She has been gone for 4 years and now that my sister is home for the summer, we often talk about her. It makes us feel close to her, but Imiss her the same.The family is still asleep upstairs – and I feel peace being the only one awake and buzzing around, ready to make some scones before I leave the house.

I am starting a new job on Monday! I don’t even know how I got so lucky – but I am starting the ‘dream job’ – it’s so wonderful I have to save it for a separate post!

My husband is still in school, and still not working. It has been over 2 years. I am back and forth about our situation all the time. There are times I just ‘choose’ to not let it bug me…see, I am great with our finances and we have no issues even though I am the only one really bringing in income.

Then there are days I come home and he is lying on the couch. I will ask him what he has done all day and often the answer is ‘nothing’. He tells me he is tired, he tells me he is not ‘feeling that well’. We woke up late a couple days ago, nearly 9:00 in the morning. I tell him to come downstairs because I made some coffee…I pour him a cup…he comes downstairs and guess what?

He lays down on the couch!

So I have to get up and do my own thing…I don’t want to fight because it’s not worth it. I don’t want to get upset over it because I know it’s just normal ‘marriage conflict’ – never anything serious…but it drives me crazy he has NO motivation to do anything. Nothing moves him to help me around the house, or with the kids. To this day, I can work for 10 hours straight, I will come home and he will ask me “What should WE do for dinner?”.

Are you serious?

So – some things change, some still stay the same.

Although I look forward to my next adventure, I wish my husband could see that I am so ‘over’ the situation we are in.

 

March 1, 2009

The Clueless Husband – strikes again!

Posted by joya under Clueless Husband, Love, Marriage, Relationships
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Sunday, March 1st 2009

I have been with my husband for over 5 years. I have been putting MUCH effort into letting all the small things go. Even bigger things. Been working on it – and I still have entries under this category – so GO FIGURE.

We have a ‘master calendar’ in our house – you know the one – where many big families go by…

The MASTER CALENDAR that is posted on the refrigerator, complete with school closures, college classes, child care times, teaching schedule, Bible study and location and so on. You get the picture.

I remind my husband, ‘check the calendar honey, see what else might be going on.’ It’s gotten better, but obviously nothing is ever perfect.

I accept that, so for this entry, I am venting - like I do so well.

On the calendar it states that my daughter Michal and I are spending the ‘day together’. This is one of her Christmas presents. We picked this date some time ago, we discussed what we would do, where we would eat, and worked in coming home and making dinner for the family.

I reminded my husband on Friday – mind you – the day BEFORE our day together that Michal and I have planned. I trust that he is listening. Over the years, I really want to KNOW that he is listening. So instead of being the nagging wife, I just say, ‘Should be fun!’

Saturday late morning, about 11:25am and we are sitting in DaVinci’s, a gluten free cafe and espresso bar. I noticed he has called a couple times. I call him back and he tells me that “Bob and Michelle are coming over to visit. Bob said he’s going to help me fix my truck (yes, the truck is having issues). They’ll be over here within the next 35-45 minutes.”

I remind him I am with Michal and I’m not sure what time I am coming home. He then says, “Hey, what do you think about making dinner for all of us? I told them you were making soft tacos tonight, they’ll be bringing some things over”. I just thought, ‘Well okay, here we go again.’

Since I don’t want to fight and really want to think the most positive of situations, I respond, ” Yeah, I guess we can make that work. Were you going to drop by the grocery store or did you want me to do that?” He responds with, “We’ll figure it out.”

‘Fine’, I think.

So Michal and I go out to lunch, then go to Old Navy where she uses a gift card her godmother sent to her last week. Ian calls me while I am in the store, and asks me when I am coming home. I tell him I’d be leaving within the next 15 minutes.

Once Michal and I get in the car, I call him and ask him what he wants me to do. He tells me they are still working on the truck, so I say I will go to the store on my way home and pick up things for dinner.

As I pull up into our driveway the truck is there and no one is around. When I walk into our house, Ian is on the couch and Bob and Michelle are sitting across from him. They are chatting. I have 4 bags in my arms and Ian doesn’t bother to get up. I say, “Hi everybody!” And Ian replies, “Hey what’s up?!”

I stand there as he continues to sit on the couch, so then I say,”Do you want to offer me some help?”

Bob is the first one to reply with, “Sorry, Joy – do you need some help? Let me get something for you.”

I say, “Sorry, Bob I was hoping my husband would be the one to offer me help.”

Ian gets up and grabs a couple bags and I am already thinking, ‘Oh no, why do I do this?’

I sit down on the couch and talk to Bob and Michelle for about 10 minutes. Ian disappears upstairs talking to someone on the phone about a part for his car. He then comes down and grabs Bob and says, “We have to go buy something for the truck, we’re going to work on it some more.”

I am fine with that, thinking I still have a couple of hours before dinner starts – I am sure he’ll offer to help then.

Michelle and I take advantage of a clear living room and chat about how our families are doing.

I notice that the time has passed and I have quite a few things to do before dinner. Michal and I are watching a movie at 7:10 meaning we have to  leave the house at 6:30.

As I am calculating how long it is going to take me to get my chores done on top of making dinner (still hoping for Ian’s help), I am buzzing through the house as Michelle is watching the tail end of a movie and I am pulling clothes out of the dryer. I check to see how things are looking outside and it looks like a couple of our neighbors are now gathered around the truck, discussing the possibilities of what could be wrong with the car.

It’s now 5:00pm and I HAVE to get dinner started. I tell Michelle and she comes in and asks if she can help. BLESS HER HEART – but she is my guest and I tell her “No, I can take care of it, but please stay with me so I have someone to talk to.”

Sidenote: Really, it was an easy dinner anyway, just enchiladas with lean ground turkey, Mexican rice and black beans. It was not difficult but I was still cooking for 8 people.

Michelle is such a sweet lady. She is entertaining my 3 year old Mason while I am buzzing around the kitchen. Bob and Ian come into the kitchen about 30 minutes before dinner. Ian is snacking away on chips and dip then sits in the family room with Bob chatting away. He doesn’t ask if he can do anything to help. He offers me nothing.

He does, however state that he has been working on the truck all day and he is so tired. That – I do understand – but Ian and I have been here MANY times before. Countless times he has asked people to come over (one of them my birthday) and I have had to be the one to do everything.

As I tell Ian to round up the kids and “please make sure the kids have washed their hands”, he comes beside me and starts picking at the food, and eating it. He tells me, he’s ‘starving’.

I say very quietly under my breath so that no one but him can hear, “Please don’t ask me to make dinner for your friends again if you’re not going to offer to help me at all. You’ve done this to me before and it makes me feel like I am a servant. I don’t like feeling this way.”

He reiterates he’s been working on the truck all day and I reiterate that he’s done it to me before and he knows how it makes me feel.

I set the table, I say grace, I eat and 20 minutes later, Michal and I have to leave.

Before I leave I put my hand on Ian’s shoulder and I say in front of Michelle and Bob, “Now honey, when I come home I want everything to be taken care of. Not one dish in the sink. I don’t want to have to lift a finger when I get back.” I wasn’t nasty about it, I wasn’t a smart ass. But I definitely wanted to be clear. I figured if I was clear, it would be done.

Michal and I had a great time at the movies. I was able to stop being mad about the whole dinner thing.

When we got home the kitchen was clean and all the leftovers were thrown in the fridge.

I still had laundry to do though so I got started with that.

I didn’t want to talk to Ian though. I didn’t want to be mean and nag and bitch at him. I just wanted to enjoy my night.

So I pulled some warm fresh pajamas from the dryer, washed my face and grabbed a couple blankets and a pillow from Michal and slept downstairs with all the kids while they watched TV. I woke up at 1:00 to turn off the TV. Everyone was fast asleep.

Ian didn’t bother to come looking for me and I knew it was because he was tired.

Amazingly, I slept well.

The next morning, this morning I had to teach at the studio at 8:00.

So I made some coffee and sat in the family room after sorting through more laundry and just sat in quiet and peace before I had to leave.

I enjoyed my cup of coffee and let it warm me all up.

I write in disappointment about my husband but at least it didn’t turn into an ugly fight like it has in the past.

It didn’t end up in me crying or throwing an emotional fit.

I slept on it.

But the Clueless Husband remains clueless.

Big learn of the year (and mind you it’s March of 2009) – stop saying ”OKAY” to people coming over for dinner. Even when I give him the heads up I will need help, it doesn’t happen.

The problem is not him. It’s me thinking he’s going to change.

 

December 15, 2008

As the Seasons Change

Posted by joya under Clueless Husband, Family, Life, Marriage, The weigh in, working out | Tags: , , |
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so do the circumstance.

After going to physical therapy last Friday, I have decided to put my fitness goals on hold. I just had to.

My tennis elbow is painful enough that I almost always wake up in the middle of the night in considerable pain.

I also have a bit of pain that goes up my upper arm into my shoulder. Meaning I really have to either stop my weightlifting altogether or lift much lighter.

Either way, I don’t want to be in pain anymore. That of course depresses me a bit. I like being focused on my fitness goals. I guess the only thing I can do right now is start up some cardio and start losing some of the excess weight I gained to put on extra muscle.

Last night when I was driving home from teaching yoga, I just started missing my Mom. It had snowed the previous day, it was freezing outside, and I just really got how much the holidays are never going to be the same without her. And I started crying.

When I got home I took a quick shower and sat in bed. I told Ian that I was having a hard night. I told him I really miss my Mom. I also told him that I am a bit stressed about money (again) and that I worry about Michal and Sol and the changes they’ll be going through in the coming months (that’s another long story I can’t get into right now).

And I just sobbed.

And he just sat there.

Actually, he said, “You know Joy, it’s not the end of the world.”

Stunned, I replied, “That’s the best you can do?”

He went on to say a myriad of things while I sat there wondering why he wasn’t even trying to hold me, as I am openly crying.

I think about Michal and Sol and wished they were with me this weekend because I know if  I needed a hug, I wouldn’t even need to ask for it.

The best I could do was go to my 3 year old Mason, who was already sleeping in his bed, snoring loud and as I shared his pillow, I placed his little palm on my face, and instantly I felt better.

It took me about 15 minutes to stop crying, but I was better.

Then I went back into my room, with no more expectation from my husband. I didn’t even want to deal anymore.

Surprisingly he put his arm around me once I layed down, and sadly I think it was from guilt, not from compassion.

Today I face a lot of emotion, as once again I am thrown into a lot of change and I am overwhelmed.

This morning I realized how much I have gotten used to my new eating program, that trying to reduce my intake even by 25 percent makes me hungry for more food. I have to retrain my body again.

How long is it going to take?

I had my oatmeal and egg whites, my typical breakfast, but instead of eating a second bowl of 1/2 cup oatmeal at 8:30, I reduced it to 1/4 cup. I found I was a bit hungry before I went into the gym.

The routine in the gym changed too. I went much lighter on the weights and only lifted for 25 minutes. Then I got on the elyptical machine and did that for 20 minutes.

For lunch I just drank some Muscle Milk with 10 ounces of water. I am hoping that will tide me over until 2:30 because I am used to eating the large lunch.

I know that part of me being able to deal with my stress is focusing on my fitness goals. Now that I have to put that on hold, I am feeling my stress more so than usual.

I am emotional and a bit sad, and far from wanting to talk to ANYONE at work today. Some days I just want to crawl into a hole and forget about any of my responsibilities. Especially the financial ones.

As I am typing now I feel the ache in my forearm. I really hate getting old.

Anyway, I am rambling so much today. So many thoughts are going through my crazy little head.

Tonight I want to have enough energy to wrap some gifts and sign Christmas cards so I can send them off. I am so ready to start this new year fresh – a clean slate once again so even though I love Christmas and seeing my kids so happy, I just want it to be all over with.

At least I wasn’t tempted to eat half the cookies I baked this past Saturday. The whole binge thing has finally curbed. It doesn’t happen anymore, and boy am I glad.

I don’t expect to be a skinny little thing – but I have already gained 10 pounds since my competition ended in October. I don’t want to be as thin as I was before, but I don’t like it that most of my pants are too snug to feel comfortable in them. As much as I like having a bit of a shelf butt, I certainly don’t like showing it off.

Sigh.

So this start of the week brings some new things to focus on:

1) Lose a bit of the weight I gained for my figure contest

2) Get a grip on my emotional state!

3) Drink some wine and relax

There is always tomorrow which will always be different from today and for that I can look forward to it.

Namaste.

 

September 11, 2008

The irony of wanting intimacy with your spouse

Posted by joya under Clueless Husband, Love, Marriage, Relationships | Tags: , |
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I want this to be funny, but I will be honest and say I am writing out of frustration.

Last night I told my husband that I wanted him. Simple enough, right? Clear – to the point – and yes, he seemed to be happy with the invitation. The thing is, he had to take one of our girls to soccer practice, and I had to take our 3 year old with me to pick up my competition suits that were done being altered (side note: they are so AWESOME and I love the way I look in them but that’s another post…).

So I told dear husband that I would love for us to shower together – for him to come to bed early tonight, and for us to get our friction on. No, I didn’t really say that but I’m on a roll right now and you get the idea. I told him this at about 5:30 in the evening when I first arrived home from work.

We were both home before 8pm and I decided to practice my posing (for my contest) for about 20 minutes before I started winding down for the night.

Well, all was great because he jumped in the shower. He didn’t ask me to join him, and I didn’t jump in. I just figured that’s what he wanted to do and it didn’t bother me.

I watched a bit of tv and he got on the computer once he was finished in the bathroom.

I told him I’d like him to come to bed soon and he mumbled, “I’ll be there.”

Our 8 year old girl was stalling for bed time and I could hear him arguing with her.

Our 3 year old was so quiet that I walked around looking for him and discovered that he fell asleep on the couch downstairs.

So I got him ready for bed and asked Ian to put him in his bed. I just figured he’d join me when he was done.

That didn’t happen.

I fell asleep at 10:00.

The friction never got on.

Well – I woke up this morning frustrated that I didn’t get what I wanted. Why? Because I don’t ask for it very often.

The funny thing is – not really funny mind you, just using the expression – is that whenever I act uninterested is when he is all over me. When we have guests – he wants me – when the kids are in the next room awake and playing – he wants me – when I am so tired I can’t even respond – he wants me. When I’m pissy and act like I don’t care – he wants me.

When I want him – he’s kind of ‘eh’ – so why is that?

I’ve always been curious about this phenomenon. It’s been this way for quite some time.

Now I just figure he’ll probably be interested tonight because I’m not anymore – and then I’ll have to tell him he lost his chance. Does that make me a b*tch? I don’t think so – but maybe some other husbands do.

It’s weird that dear husband is so much more attracted to me when I could care less what he does every evening. When I do tell him “I’d love to get some time with you tonight” – he just kind of looks at me blankly – and doesn’t respond with “you got it baby” (man – that would be SO nice if he said that).

Anyway – so that was my unfulfilled Wednesday night.

So dull, so boring, I know.

 

May 19, 2008

The Clueless Husband – Take 2

Posted by joya under Clueless Husband, Love, Marriage, Relationships | Tags: |
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Yesterday my niece turned a year old. It was a beautiful day in Seattle, Washington so we brought all our 4 kids to the party, realizing they were the most rambunctious ones there.

It just so happened that my brother married a Korean lady, who comes from a really nice, very reserved family. When we arrived, my brother was dressing in traditional Korean formal wear that looked like some high end silk, not one unwanted crease on it. His wife, Janet, wore a beautiful gown and Malaina my niece was also wearing a gown that has been passed down , her mother wore the same dress when she turned a year old, and so did her 3 sisters.

My children, little dirtbags as they can be, had been playing outside wearing t-shirts and shorts, a bit sweaty from playing outside, and not even wearing shoes knowing that when we go to any Asian household, shoes come off anyway.

For some reason, husband was only wearing a white t-shirt and long swim trunks.

When we first entered the living room, we noticed the coffee table had piles of fruit, nicely decorated, along with some other things on the table like a pencil, colored pencils, some money, sweets, and a long piece of string. I think there were a couple other things but I can’t remember what they were.

In the Korean tradition, the child picks up one of the things on the table that may determine their future. One example being if she picked up the colored pencils she will be artistic. One of the ladies there explained to me that although it is a tradition, it is really just meant to be fun.

A lot of pictures were taken of Malaina, and bless her heart she didn’t mind being superstar for a good 30 minutes.

My kids were in the background, fighting over the balloons that were there for decoration. Needless to say, they pretty much destroyed the decorations and had the 3 year old whining because they were picking on him the most.

That’s my life.

I felt that people were looking at me (I could very well have just been VERY paranoid) – as if people were thinking – “man those kids were crazy”.

Husband was there, reading a book he picked up, and NOT HELPING me calm our kids down. I was starting to grit my teeth but did not want to get on his case because I was afraid he’d just get mad and not do a thing.

The pre-festivities of picture taking and cooking took a little time and all my kids were telling me how hungry they were. I told them they would have to be patient.

One of my husbands friends arrived and so he flocked to him and his new wife who is expecting, and they chatted away as the food was just served.

Well, I ended up making all the children’s plates, setting them up in the next room so that they can eat away from the adults and so I can watch them closely.

Husband stayed in the next room, happily eating away with his full plate of food, which by the way, I couldn’t even get to mine until 20 minutes after making sure the kids got everything they needed.

He stayed with his friend and wife, and came by our room once, where I chimed in, “Hey – you want to hang out with your family?” I could tell he didn’t want to. He was eager to get back with Kyle, but at the same time he noticed that there I was once again, me and the kids, Joy – taking care of everything by myself, once again.

So he sat with us for 5 minutes, felt he did his duty, and went back into the other room.

I didn’t feel it was worth arguing over. It just wasn’t. So I didn’t.

On our way home I told him I had to go to the grocery store. I did that by myself.

When I arrived from the grocery store, the kids wanted to eat again. Guess who fed them? Right!

So husband got to relax on the couch, while I helped with homework, got bath and showers ready, and everyone settled into bed.

He stayed downstairs watching whatever game he was watching, and the kids stayed with me, as we watched H2O and hung out in my bedroom.

Everyone then went to bed and I fell asleep at about 8:45 because I was so tired from the day.

I chose not to bring up the clueless factor he fell into that day because it wasn’t worth it.

This morning I woke up earlier than everyone else like I always do and made everyone’s lunches.

Husband got to watch the news. Must be nice.

Today is a different day. Tonight I teach yoga. I have already chosen not to be upset about the house being a mess when I return home at 10:00 tonight.

It’s another day. Let’s hope it good.

Namaste.

 

May 12, 2008

The Clueless Husband (take 1)

Posted by joya under Clueless Husband, Marriage | Tags: , , |
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I know my husband rarely reads my site, and if he does, good for him. I decided to start a whole new category about how clueless my husband is. In fact, I could have dedicated a whole site to it.

So here’s the first story.

Yesterday was Mother’s day. Just last week my husband asked me what I wanted for mother’s day. I told him that he needs to decide how good I have been to our mother of 4 and give me a gift that reflects that. He smiled. I thought he had something in mind already. I didn’t think anything else of it for the rest of the week.

I woke up early yesterday morning for our 3 year old Mason, who wanted his ‘ba-ba’ or sippy cup. I decide I’ll make my own cup of coffee, like any other day of the year. It was 7:20 in the morning, and husband was sound asleep.

He then comes down the stairs ten minutes laters and starts up his own pot of coffee (I am decaf, he’s not).

He sits on the couch and starts watching the news. I look on the kitchen counter and see 2 cards propped up against the backsplash. I open up the one that says “Mommy” and read that it’s a card from Mason, and Ian had written something from himself as well. The other card was for his mother.

I thought, well, that’s sweet, but why didn’t he give me a card from just him as well? He has every other year we’ve been together. So I ask him, and he shrugs his shoulders.

I then tell husband I am going to church and then meeting my dad, sister, and brother for brunch. He didn’t really say anything. But I asked him, “Are you doing anything today?”

He said, “No, I don’t have anything going on today”.

I ask, “Really, are you sure?”

He resonds, “No, I wasn’t planning on going anywhere or doing anything.”

I then ask (surprised), “You’re kidding right? It’s mother’s day, and you have nothing planned for me?”

He says, “Well, aren’t you going out with your Dad and stuff for brunch?”

I am sitting, about ready to go through the roof because he actually didn’t put ONE THOUGHT into mother’s day for me. I am stunned, and hurt.

I asked him why he asked me what I wanted and then he didn’t do anything about it. His (stupid) answer was “You didn’t tell me what to get you.”

You can just guess where the conversation was going.

Not to mention he didn’t want to go to church with me either. So I went to church by myself.

Went to brunch without any of my children (Mason stayed home, Cloey was with grandma, and Michal and Sol were with their dad).

As you can guess, I was sad. I was hurt. I was mad that he was that clueless. Doesn’t he know I wake up earlier than anyone else in the house EVERY DAY to either make all the lunches for the kids, or start laundy, breakfast, or clean house or anything else.

Doesn’t he know I take out the garbage majority of the time. I am the only one who cleans the bathrooms, plans the meals out for the kids, does majority of the grocery shopping, and handles all the finances?

All I could think was, “What is wrong with this man?!”

I go to my mother’s graveyard and I weep. I am so sad that I can’t even think straight.

Husband tries calling me on my cell phone to talk about whatever he wants to talk about.

I know I am a good mother, but I guess he doesn’t think he needs to thank me for what I do for our family because it’s important that the kids do that, not him.

He also told me that all I do is “rip him” every day and make him feel like he doesn’t do anything right.

I have to ask him, “I do that to you every day? Are you sure? You’ve been that unhappy with me every single day for the nearly five years we have been together?”

I think of all the days it’s been so good, and so wonderful and he can only focus on the days it’s been bad.

Am I that bad, really?

Maybe I am.

I talk a lot about relationships in this blog of mine because I am driven by the quality and satisfaction of the relationships around me. I invest my time and heart into the people I love.

But it is apparent I have failed with my own husband.

He wrote in the card from Mason that he doesn’t know what he would do without me, but then he tells me in my face that every other husband has it better than him.

I told him this morning that he needs to “Say what you mean, and mean what you say”. “Don’t say things for the sake of impact. Say it because it’s what you feel in your heart”.

So if he thinks I am that bad, then what the hell is he doing with me anyway? I asked him that and his answer was, “I guess I have just learned the DEAL with it”.

He has to “deal” with me.

Someone has got to help me with this one. Because I am hurt, and angry, and insulted.