broken heart

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February 23, 2010

Are there a lot of lonely wives out there?

Posted by joya under Love, Marriage, Relationships, broken heart | Tags: |
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I decided to post on this topic because I have had a couple conversations with friends of mine who insist most women are NOT happy in their marriages.

I am not out there interviewing wives, mothers, and long timers in relationships. I know this sounds like a generalization but I am starting to think that there ARE many lonely people in their relationships. It’s not just women, men seem to be hurting too.

Out of all comments I receive, I get the most responses come from women who are struggling to get over a broken heart and women who are completely unhappy in their relationship. I don’t necessarily think people are looking for answers, I just think that a lot of us find comfort knowing we are not alone.

I post all the time that marriage is work, relationships are work. You have to put some little bit of effort EVERY DAY to keep things going well – or to improve your situation. But depending on how bad things are, even a simple “hi” when you pass each other in the kitchen can feel like too much.

Not too long ago, my husband and I were on completely opposite schedules. I am working 2 jobs, he is in school. We have four children. Basically, no time for anything. We both feel like there is simply ‘no time’ for each other. By the end of the day, we both just want to sleep, completely undisturbed…no little knocks on the door asking to come in.

Over time, we resent our partner, the person we KNOW we love the most. We act like we don’t NEED them. Or – I know I have. I find myself listening to talk shows on the radio and feel great comfort when other women complain about their husbands.

But see, I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be like so many other women who feel hatred for their spouse. I know it’s not REAL hatred. But those negative feelings really start to pile on top of each other and it never goes anywhere.

Recently my husband told me that he thought it was his layoff nearly 2 years ago that made him depressed. It was definitely one of the factors but in the process he pulled away from me, stopped helping me around the house. He became bitter and short with the kids. Basically, he wasn’t any fun to be around.

I brought it to his attention that we were heading in a bad path. He got defensive. I am sure I didn’t say things perfectly, but I tried. I felt as though he didn’t even want me to love him. He was still pushing me away.

I was a lot of things – but mad and hurt with the top two places I was living in. I didn’t want to clean up after his sorry ass anymore. I didn’t want to tip toe around his crumbled ego egg shells and apologize about every little thing I may have done to make his life difficult.

He knew where I stood and I just took a step back and said to myself I needed to take a break from talking to him and trying love on him when he clearly wasn’t having me.

So are there a lot of women out there who have been where I have been? Oh yeah.

I guess my point is that it won’t last if you don’t want it to. I know that’s not the perfect answer but talking to other women who hate their husbands and wishing for no improvement in the future will probably keep you in the downward spiral. Daydreaming about a divorce won’t get you anywhere either.

So, if you want to make it better, start with saying so. The power of ‘declaration’ is profound. I journal – and blog – and share – in a positive spirit. I find comfort in this. I am hoping other women can join in that simple action.

Namaste.

 

April 2, 2009

Human thoughts – ramble, ramble

Posted by joya under Family, Life, Love, Parenting, broken heart, divorce
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It’s been a while since I have posted. So much has been going on in my life I don’t even know where to start.

It’s been raining every day, so much that my mood is effected. My emotions have been mixed in the past couple weeks, I don’t know if what I write today will make much sense to anyone. I feel I haven’t been making much sense at all.

Work has been steadily busy, a plus in my book right now because at least I can stay focused when my personal life seems to be full of drama.

I try not to talk too intimately about my personal life, but isn’t that the point of having this online journal? I’m sure I don’t know most of my readers anyway. I wonder if any of them feel like they really know me, if they feel like they can relate to my ramble of unclear thoughts and melodrama.

Today it doesn’t matter. I’m writing to get things off my chest.

I’m feeling sad and gray, matching the sad North West weather that I live in.

My ex husband got into some ‘legal trouble’. He’ll be incarcerated soon. I’m not sure exactly, maybe in about a month or so. I don’t even know where he’s going, only that his sentence is for 2 years.

The best thing that happened in our time together was having our 2 children. They are 11 and 7 years old, my first two children I have, and there is something so very special about each of them.

For some reason he wants me to stick to our current parenting plan, or court order where we have joint custody. This would mean dropping them off at their stepmother’s house while he is in prison. Since we have joint custody, that’s fifty percent of the time, each week, each month, each year.

We’ve battled about the kids before in the past, but nothing nasty or malicous. Feelings have been hurt and there is a level of mistrust but I can say that I know my kids adore their father, and I know he loves them very much.

But I can’t help but wonder why would he think this is a good idea? We live 27 miles away from each other. He proposes they attend a school in his neighborhood, when naturally I plan for them to attend a school in our neighborhood since the courts would assign me temporary full custody until he is released.

So many thoughts go through my head:

Does he really think that’s good for the kids?

I am their mother, they SHOULD be with me.

How will the kids adjust to not seeing their father over time?

Will they rebel, will they be depressed?

I know in my heart I AM THEIR BEST INTEREST.

It hurts to even hear him suggest I drop them off with their stepmom. Granted she is a good woman, and I know there is affinity in their relationship, but will they cry freely with her when the ache of missing their father becomes too much? Will they be able to say in their own words how they feel and share that with her? Will she hold them the way I do and let them fall asleep in her arms if they ask? Would they ask?

Am I not the best person to nurse the wounds of their aching hearts?

It is DRAMA – I know – see what this weather has done to me.

I am supposed to meet him and his wife on Saturday after I drop off the kids. My husband will be with me. But really, this is a discussion about my ex and me, and our kids. Our current spouses are there for support, as flies on the wall that take notes about any exchange that may be misconstrued if it gets ugly.

But I can’t help but wonder, “Why do you bother to ask? Don’t you think I am what’s best for them? Don’t you know you already have 3 kids under 2 years old that your wife needs to attend to? What kind of mother do you think I am?”

I know we’ve changed so much over the years we have been divorced. I am certainly happy that I am not married to the man who committed wire fraud and now has changed the entire course of his future. I am glad I don’t have to question where he was or is coming from. I stopped knowing him months before we even divorced.

But my children I know well – like my own hands, like the lines around my eyes that are apparent now, over months of worrying about how they will handle all this change.

I look at my eyes in the mirror every morning when I wake up, and I wonder if people can see the sadness that I can’t seem to push down anymore. I’ve been able to hide it for a long time because I happen to be a fairly good actress – but this is an affair of the heart – the kind that pulls at my most delicate heart strings.

I picked up my 11 year old daughter from school yesterday. I was so happy to have 30 minutes alone with her during our commute home. It would mean truly focusing on just her, on whatever she wanted to tell me that day, or not. She didn’t have to talk, I just enjoy being with her.

I asked her how her past couple days were since she was at her dad’s house. She told me it has been fine. She said that she didn’t really know how to feel after her dad and stepmom explained that he would be going to jail for a while. In her own words she said, “Mom, I don’t think I drank enough water that day, because I didn’t cry.”

All I could do was tell her that she was strong, and that she handled the news well. She said her brother didn’t really want to talk about it, that he chose to be distracted by other things. That’s how my son is. He isn’t READY to deal with it. He’s only 7. My heart felt a tug when she told me he had no words to share after the news. She simply said, “He’ll talk to you mom. He is closer to you.”

We went to the grocery store to pick up a couple things before going home. At the last minute I decided to buy some white wine. I decided that I wanted to numb some of the dull ache in my chest that I have been feeling for weeks.

It was ‘Breakfast for Dinner” last night and all the kids (I have 4) were delighted to have French Toast for dinner. My husband was cheery and almost done with cooking when we walked through the door.

I sat with the family, poured myself some wine, and stared outside at the pouring rain falling hard onto our deck. I kept thinking, “that’s how I feel inside, heavy and stormy, completely unresolved of my emotions, unending…no warmth or shine in near sight.”

It was so obvious my husband could see and he asked me several times if I was okay.

I just didn’t want to talk about it. I haven’t wanted to talk about it for weeks.

But today I find the words to explain my sadness, and for some reason I feel comfort in being able to type at my keyboard, without editing, or ‘trying to make it better’.

I just want to be human and not hide behind the obvious melancholy state – that I hold in my face, in the way that I walk, in the way that I look at people…

I wish the rain would stop and the clouds would move aside for just a little bit, then maybe I would feel like I can get out of this state. This state of “Why me?”

I don’t like feeling sorry for myself, but honestly, I am sad for me.

This is how I feel today, and tomorrow I pray, it will be different.

 

March 31, 2008

How do you stop loving someone?

Posted by joya under Life, Love, Marriage, Relationships, break up, broken heart, divorce | Tags: , , , , , , , , |
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At some point, a lot of people ask this question. I have an answer, I have one I can share that has worked for me. It sounds simple, but it is not easy to do.

You may want to stop loving someone because they don’t love you back. Or maybe they stopped loving you, or there is someone else in the picture, or they don’t even know you exist (it may just be infatuation; being in love is deep and in my case I am talking about – love being reciprocal).

You may have been in a relationship for a long time and in the beginning it was perfect. Then things changed, people change. It does happen, and you could move on if you just stopped loving this person. Perhaps he/she abuses you, neglects you, has cheated on you, but you still love that person.

If you stopped loving this person, you could leave him. You can leave her. That’s what you want. That’s what you think.

Well, I was married before. My marriage lasted 7 years. Not that long. We were together for nearly 9. I remember good things, but most of it was a lonely marriage. I loved him, truly, and in the beginning I do believe he loved me too. But somewhere along the way, it changed. He changed, and I crawled into a corner, was depressed and insecure for most of my marriage. What kept us together were our kids.

I remember when I called him up one day and said, “If you want our marriage to work, you’re going to meet me at a counselor’s office on Thursday afternoon at 1pm. Don’t be late.” He showed up. In fact he showed up for nearly a year and a half. Then it was clear nothing changed. I was sure this man was going through the motions, that he showed up to appease me, but not to show me that he loved me. That could just be my story that I still hold on to. But I don’t think so. Our counselor gave us homework  to do, like go on a little day trip or weekend getaway and reacquaint ourselves. That never happened. She told us to spend time together, have dinner together. We would be together but there was no conversation.

But I loved him anyway. Every time I saw my baby girl and baby boy, I was convinced I had to practice patience. And I still loved him. Even when he stopped telling me he loved me. Even when he stopped telling me I was pretty. Even when he no longer wanted to make love to me. I still wanted him.

And so I stayed.

Then one day when we were sitting in Flor’s office (our counselor), he told me that he just always has work on his mind. He is trying to do the right thing by working hard and giving me the opportunity to stay home with the children. He said that one day I sat on his lap in his office, and all he could think about was ‘how long do I have to sit and hold her before she will leave me alone’. I was stunned, embarassed for myself, heartbroken, and focused. That day I stopped loving him.

I just chose to stop loving him. In replacement, I had nothing but anger and resentment towards him. Something inside me clicked, something just WENT OFF. It wasn’t a problem anymore. I just didn’t care. Four months later we were on our way to a divorce. I felt sad but free. I felt like I finally was myself again.

I never questioned after our divorce what my life would be like if we were together today. I know I would have been miserable. He is remarried now and is doing well. I believe he is with the perfect person for him. He is clearly in love with her, and they have a good life together. I am happy that he is not pretending to be happy with her, as he did with me. We are both in a better place.

But it’s still interesting to discuss the ‘how to’s’ of falling out of love. How does it happen? How have you made it happen? Sometimes for a lot of people it is just a process. When someone breaks your heart and you have broken up with that person, it just takes time to get over him or her.

Sometimes it is easy by finding someone new, someone else to occupy your time and help heal your heart. This is the infamous transition person. They aren’t always lucky, but they help in the process.

Sometimes if someone hurts you bad enough, your emotions can turn that fast as well. You can walk out the door and never think twice about seeing that person again. It’s not that easy for everyone, but many people have been there.

Even when you feel you have finally gotten over that person, when the wound has healed, you can still love him. You can still love her. I know I love my ex for who he was at the time we were together – when we were still happy. When I felt he loved me back – I choose to remember the good things. These are the memories I share with my children. It would be nearly impossible for me to not love the person I chose to have children with. But that’s me…

How has it worked for you? I am curious.

Hopefully I will never have to make the choice to stop loving again. But I do believe it is as easy as making a choice. Mine was triggered by something that person had said to me, but when it came down to it, I made the choice. And the choice worked for me.