You can not put into words how having a child or children will change your life. Friends of mine who were pregnant for the first time would ask for words of wisdom from me. I have had 3 children of my own. Each experience having profoundly changed me in a way I would not have ever dreamed of.
This is what having a child does to you. It changes you as a person, it shapes you into a deeper, greater person. It molds you into someone you can’t possibly expect to know. It just gradually happens.
And it is the best road to ride.
My first child is now 10 years old. Her name is Michal Joy. She is similar to me in many ways. She is nurturing, loving, giving, and sensitive. She is hard on herself, self sufficient, and tough as nails. On one hand she still asks me to tuck her in at night. On the other hand she is telling me how to increase my speed in running by interval training, and “Why don’t we run together in the park, Mama? I bet I am faster than you now!”. Things like that blow me away…
See – each of my kids are a gift. I know that sounds like such a cliche‘ but it’s so true. My 6 year old Solomon is a gentle guy. He’s always thinking of how things make other people feel. He pays attention to the words he uses. He is one of those kids that says “I love you” hundreds of times a day and means it every single time. Solomon was 2 years old when his father and I divorced. He doesn’t even remember what it was like for me and his dad to be together. He is curious about our past relationship, wonders how people stop loving each other. He’s a wise little guy. We definitely picked the right name for him.
Mason, my baby is a spitfire. He keeps me on my toes. He is a lot of work. He’s got this huge personality, making faces all the time and always trying to be the entertainer. He dances to Sir Mix Alot and Chris Brown. He makes everybody laugh. He was my preemie baby who reminded me that God delivers miracles every day, small and big. Whether people realize it or not, they happen.
My babies are growing up but they will always be my babies. I can remember holding each of them for the first time; checking out their fingers and toes, kissing their perfect little lips. Nursing them half asleep. Crying over them because I was so exhausted. Crying over them because they hurt each other’s feelings, punched each other, or unintentionally said something hurtful to me. Crying over them because I see so much more in them than I ever saw in myself. They seem to only have the best of me. The worse things I can forgive, and I can barely see. The worse things are only in me. They are better than that, better than me.
Writing this brings tears to my eyes because my mother died 2 years ago. She lived the simplest life. She never required much. But she always used to tell me that all she really cared about was that her kids were doing well, that they were happy, that they turned out okay. I see that clearly now. I see that that is my ultimate success to be had some day.
My babies have changed me. They have taught me true love, unconditional and completely forgiving. They have taught me joy like no other person can give you. Incomparable to what your spouse can give you, that your best friend can give you.
A few times my children have asked (even my stepdaughter has asked me this, Cloey who is 8), if I still love them even when they’re bad, even when they have hurt me, even when they have made big mistakes. I have told them that, “I will love you no matter what. I know that, there’s no doubt about it. You WILL hurt me some day, you will say terrible things to me, you won’t make me the most important person in your life. But you’ll know I love you, always. Nothing will change that. And some day when you’re older you’ll come back to me and we’ll be friends again. And you’ll see nothing about me has ever changed. Loving you is one thing I can promise you, will never change.”
So that’s how I feel in my heart about having children, about being a mom, about infinite and unconditional love, about fulfillment.
I may never go down in history having done something extraordinary but I have a strong feeling my kids will turn out happy and extraordinary adults. And that to me makes my life complete.
