It’s always the same story – I know I need to blog more.
I started a post about 3 weeks ago titled, “When your husband asks – why did you marry me?” - I have yet to finish it because it seems our relationship is up and down within a normal day – I can’ keep up. Clearly – I don’t type fast enough either.
It seems as though my story is always the same. I am still feeling overwhelmed with working my 2 jobs – however returning to yoga a couple weeks ago has felt like the return of an old, trusted friend. I am back to working M-F at my day job – and Saturday and Sunday in the hot yoga studio.
Although I complain about never getting enough sleep, and just wanting to be with my kids, my time in the studio has done me wonders. I am feeling more like myself in the past 10 days, I am even sleeping better.
My husband and I are in one of our funks again – which always feel like another cross to bear, because clearly I still love him so much. It has been over 2 years since he has worked. He is still in school. He is lazier than ever, sorry honey if you’re reading this, but HE IS. In response I seem to have developed some OCD tendencies…these random coping mechanisms that seem to revolve around sweeping my kitchen floor 5 times a day and a strong attraction to the latest and greatest household cleaners.
My husband complains about the fact that the minute I get home, I am scrubbing the kitchen sink, and wiping down tables and counters. I create projects around re-organizing areas in our house, in my closet, book shelves, you name it.
I am not sure if what he really wants is time from me, because honestly I can’t even get the guy to get up from the couch when I walk through the door. And when I have 4 kids asking me what I am making for dinner before how my day was, you can imagine…after being at work for the past 9 hours, I am ready to go into my closet, change into my yoga gear – and work some more.
Sometimes I wonder if this is what was meant to be – if I am supposed to work my ass off – pay for bills – school supplies and clothes for 4 children all in school. I sit sometimes (with drink in hand) and wonder if I will always be the one to just “take care of things.”
My parents must have raised me the right way – they always told me I needed to be responsible and learn how to take care of my family. But the difference is it was my dad who took most of that role on. My mom cooked, cleaned, made sure we had clothes that fit right…normal stuff.
My current life appears I am doing both. I am not looking for special recognition here, I am looking for relief. Funny my husband tells me, “Joy, I don’t ask you to teach yoga. You CHOOSE to work your second job. You do that to yourself.”
Well – I guess my response is when you’re not in the driver’s seat to pay bills on time as they come in, and budgeting for upcoming school expenses, then I guess you have nothing to worry about. I know my husband loves me, but I will take the blame for always saying, “Don’t worry about it – I’ll take care of it.”
I had agreed that we were on a 2 year plan, and that I would take over for 2 years so that he could concentrate and go to school. But I also know there are plenty of people who work AND go to school – AND have children. I brought this up a couple times and he would fly off the handle. I am usually left thinking, “how did I become such an asshole in this scenario?”
My husband told me just a few weeks ago that he isn’t the same person anymore. Since he got laid off in 2008, he has totally lost his identity. He also feels isolated, unproductive and unmotivated. I try to encourage him to get in the gym or walk the dogs, get some exercise…one morning he got up at 9:00, then went downstairs and laid on the couch. I couldn’t help but think, “Wow – how often does he do that when I am at work?”
I try to empathize with him, I understand that men have a much harder time losing their job than women do. I understand that he has some depression he has to deal with…but we also have 4 kids. And frankly – I am TIRED!
I have had to talk to our kids on several occasions that asking me what I making for dinner when I walk through the door, BEFORE I even set mykeys down, is not going to produce the best reaction out of me.
I try to get my husband involved – I will ask him to take chicken out of the freezer and encourage him to grill it, or throw it in the crockpot with some veggies and broth. The only problem with that, is often times I will come home and he will simply respond with, “I forgot”.
I used to fight about this stuff all the time. In the past year I have totally given up in the conversation. Especially because I end up feeling like I put too much pressure on him. How can I be putting too much pressure on him when I am still the one doing most of the work?
The last discussion we had was over his lack of confidence and motivation to even find a job. He continued to tell me he was not the same person anymore…that he has no idea what to do with his life, and that he has none. I told him he is married with kids, that IS a life, whether you like it or not.
I know I don’t say the right thing all the time, but I am sensitive to his feelings. I hardly engage in conversation with him unless I can gauge that he even wants to talk to me. I have been walking on eggshells for a long time now, and I am worn down.
When he told me he doesn’t know what he is going to do with his life, I couldn’t help but think, “We are not going to make it, are we?” When I cried myself to sleep that night, I dreamt of our break up. I envisionedhim finding peace without me. Shit, maybe I am what’s holding him back.
You know they say “The grass is always greener…” but is it, really?
Would my life be any easier without him by my side? Aren’t married couples supposed to go through these rough spots and come out stronger, better?
Somebody tell me yes.